Translating jesus [My De-Conversion]

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One day for some unknown reason I just started to TRANSLATE what was being said. The church leader needed to make up the numbers and was in full force selling jesus. As I listened it just  started to get more and more absurd. This is my “Translation” of a conversation made to a new ambitious young recruit that changed my life forever.

CHURCHMAN: Hi, I would like to tell you about jesus,

YOUNG RECRUIT: Uh, okay,

CM: Well, jesus is amazing, he is 2000 years old. jesus did all sorts of unbelievable feats and he’s going to return very soon on a white horse!

YR; Wow, thats incredible, he sounds like an amazing man.

CM; No, he’s not a man, he’s god. He is the one true god but he is also his son and so they created the trinity to make it all clear. We have god the father, the holy ghost and his son jesus who is himself but not himself but who is his dad but not at the level of god his dad who is the one true god who is not polytheistic but singular and all encompassing in all aspects who is the Jewish polytheistic god of war.

YR; Wow, yes, that really makes sense,

CM; Certainly it does, and in order to save mankind he created his mother Mary and then impregnated her without sex and gave birth to himself!

YR; Mind blowing stuff!

CM; And guess what,

YR; What?

CM; It wan’t incest. No siree, It was simply miraculous, thats all, a miracle of jesus and his dad god who isn’t the holy spirit but employed the seed of the holy spirit for his son who planned it but who wasn’t born at the time.

YR;  That”s truly miraculous!

CM; Yes, you’ve got to hand it to jesus brother!

YR; Amen, there! So jesus really cares for us?

CM; Oh, yes, jesus is so loving and he really wanted to help the people and to show that love so he made a big fire that’s eternal. And in order to love his neighbour as himself and turn the other cheek he’s going to throw all those that won’t listen to him in it to burn forever!

YR; Wow, he must be a really loving guy,

CM; Remember, he’s the alpha and omega, he is all that is, that was, that could be, but not all that won’t be, or isn’t or might be or might not be. He is the word, the logos, the omega the beginning, the end and some parts in the middle too.

YR; Yeah, jesus sounds really cool,

CM; jesus is super cool, but, jesus doesn’t approve of sex though. He was a virgin all his life.

YR; But wasn’t he lonely?

CM; Never! He had an underage boyfriend his beloved disciple called john. But guess what,

YR: What?

CM; He wasn’t gay or a phaedophile!

YR; Wow. This jesus must be extraordinary.

CM: Yeah, nothing is impossible to jesus.

YR; Tell me more

CM:  jesus died to save the mankind and overcome the world that he didn’t need to overcome as he is not in the world and was non existent at the time of his dad’s creation, although he created it himself.

YR; Awesome! This is all so mysterious.

CM; Praise the lord yes. Even god is sometimes mystified by his moves from his mysterious ways.

YR; Tell me more about jesus.

CM; Well, his trusted friend judas sold him out. But, judas paid the price in the end by hanging himself as he didn’t because he fell over a cliff.

YR; How do you know this?

CM; God left us a book called the bible, It is the inerrant word and every word is  the perfect word of  god. Not a single word can be changed. We use the King James version as it is the best translation from Hebrew into Aramaic into greek into French into English.

YR; Yeah, the evidence is all there I suppose?

CM; Oh, definitely. Anyway, to cut a long story short, jesus then came back from the dead. And had saved the world. And now the only way back to god his dad who is him but not him is through jesus.

YR. Wow, you have overwhelming evidence there I think.

CM; The evidence is all there in the bible providing you don’t read it.

YR; But why did jesus need to save mankind in the first place?

CM; Well, his dad created the world with a perfect plan that cannot be changed by giving man free will. Man then disobeyed god by using his free will that was written in the plan that god created so that man would disobey god and hence god could then destroy man and then redeem him. Actually it was women who made man fall by listening to a talking snake. So the blame is really on women.

YR; I see, yes that makes perfect sense, But I like women and I love my mum,

CM; Yeah, it’s just that in this religion we have nothing against women, but, it is just that we see them as secondary or even less and many of us are insecure misogynistic, bigoted, ignorant, male chauvinist pigs. But, remember that jesus loved women so much that he let them bend down on their knees and wash his feet.

YR; Praise to jesus, he is just so awesome! What happened next?

CM; god wiped out the human race in a flood that he copied and pasted from Gilgamesh. But that wasn’t enough so he later got King Herod to kill all the new born babies who couldn’t understand or fight back to have their throats cut and be murdered so that his son jesus could be born. Of course this was an act of love and not cowardice.

YR; Wow, this god truly is love,

CM; Yes, god is only love and jesus is so loving and that’s why jesus preached peace and came to bring sword and divide father from son and mother from daughter.

YR; And what happens to mankind when jesus comes out of the clouds on his white horse?

CM; Well,  jesus will take all those that love him back to his dad’s place called heaven, and then let everyone else on the planet die in a horrible, brutal, bloody, terrifying cesspit!

YR; Nobody is a loving as jesus!

DECONVERSION:

Well there it is. I just couldn’t help but TRANSLATE what was actually being said!. I thought to myself, why I am I thinking and hearing it all like this, this hasn’t happened before. In desperation I consulted the bible, but it got worse and worse and it all kept falling apart layer after layer. god was silent or out to lunch and jesus had just become a new testament contradictory joke!

Difficult as it was there was simply no going back.. But what bothered me the most was this. Do the people who sell this stuff and who have read and studied the bible, the birth narratives, the crucifixion accounts really believe this stuff? I mean, they have spent years analysing and justifying the contractions and nonsensical non-sense that is the bible. The trinity, the jesus accounts, the contradictions, the history. I mean jesus isn’t even mentioned in history,[ only twice by Josephesus]. Surely there would be volumes written about him!

Anyway, that’s my deconversion. Simple, just TRANSLATE what is actually being said and then read the bible et al and it will all dissolve. It is all a very childish, immature infantile and silly affair, that is a mockery unto itself.

 

Anne R Keye 2014

 

 

 

 

 

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Do you really believe? [Part 1]

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Do you really believe dear christian reader?

Do you live by your commandments?

Well, to be blunt, I don’t think you do.

How many of you have read the bible from beginning to end? If the answer is no, then you have some serious thinking to do. Why haven’t you read it? Why? There has to be a reason. Moses commanded Sloth as unacceptable via Yahew didn’t he? Yet here you are dear reader in slothful ignorance of your own belief. I mean what is your belief if you haven’t read the bible in order to know what your belief actually is?

I don’t mean to be unfriendly or wretched to you, but you must contemplate and ask yourselves why this is. Are you not a child of Yaweh. Then why reject his book and place your own selfish activities on his time?

Read your bible dear christian for all you are worth. Read it from cover to cover. Question, Ask. Contemplate. Read about Lot and his daughters. Read about Pharaoh. Read the Birth narratives. Educate yourselves on your own dear subject.

WHAT IF YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO READ YOUR BIBLE?

Well, Yaweh will be very angry and every atheist you meet will make you look like an uneducated monkey! Yep, they will spin your words and turn them and make you appear as folly of the lowest order! You will not be turning the other cheek for a while I can assure you.

Do you want that dear christian? I don’t think so. So make the effort and take the time out for Yaweh and your own well being and read the bible from cover to cover and justify it and yourself and your actions. This will really help you and make you much happier.

Love to you all

Anna R Keye 2014

Pascal’s wager and now your go?

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Do you have the courage dear christian reader? I hear you talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

Well let us see.

If want credence then you must give it too.

Okay, here is an example of how it works.

Example 1. “If you don’t believe in Allah and you continue to follow jesus as God [and that is some serious blasphemy] then Allah will send you straight to hell. Yep, he will be extremely angry with you. Mohammed and the Koran are the only way for your salvation. So, why not just believe just in case? What have you got to lose? What if you are wrong and Allah is the true God and Allah is angry with you? What have you got to lose by reading the Holy Koran? What are you scared of? Where is your faith”?

Seriously, this is how Pascals wager works.

I could have employed, Buddah, Krishna and all the other myriad of gods. It’s really easy.

So what if your are wrong dear christian, what if you are very, very wrong? Then a burning fire of oblivion awaits you gracefully.

Thanks for reading. Love to you all.

Anne R Keye 2014

 

Was Jesus Smelly?

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We’ve heard it all before. Atheists and christians yap yapping with the same old arguments back and forth. Well, enough I say!  There is something much much more serious to contend with here that we must all confront and this concerns me deeply. So serious was it that I pleaded with a silent god on a nightly basis to deliver me the answer to this most important of all questions.

Was jesus smelly?

I lived in dread as an 8 year old child that I would have to kiss his feet in heaven. I had nightmares about his odd feet and the dripping sweat and a horrible cheese smell. What was a child to do?

Well, I went to the padre and poured my little heart out. He reassured me that in heaven there was a bath and that jesus would have had a bath with god and that I shouldn’t worry about such silly musings.

But it got worse. I thought what would jesus be wearing below?  I mean under his white dress [ robe?] which surely would be ripe with dirt from the winds of the desert. This bothered me. If he didn’t have under garments then was it all wiggling about on a daily basis and would it be wiggling about in heaven with god. This led to the most difficult phase for me. What about the problem of waste? Did they have a form of papyrus roll back then and if so it must have been very expensive and you couldn’t carry it around in the desert could you. Who had the money to buy such a luxury item or did jesus produce 5000 rolls from 2 fish? This was a disturbing epiphany and it shocked and worried me. How did jesus wipe? Perhaps they employed some sort of healing wiping leaf from a specialist fig tree back then. Surely this must have been important for them  as they were travelling about a lot. How would a messiah stay clean and pure?

At this point the padre refused to discuss this situation anymore because it produced smoke from his nostrils and fire from his ears. He also started using strange words that my mother had informed me were rather rude and crude. And he kept salivating at the mouth and his face would turn bright red like a traffic light.

But, I really needed to know.

So this brings me back to my point and a very crucial one I feel. Was jesus really smelly? Did he possess greasy long hair, and remember they didn’t produce head and shoulders back then you know. And what about that beard. How much of the last supper could have been caught up in there? Remember, the heat and the winds of the dry desert and the followers living conditions would not make their lives hygienic at all!

This was terrifying because I don’t think I would want that alabaster jar anywhere near my hands. What would jesus say? Would he take it personally?

I have nothing against jesus either as a non fictional character or as man made nonsense and fairytales. But I wonder how many of those that consider themselves christians would have this man in their house? A smelly, cheesy,greasy non underpants wearing sweating man to love?

A sad end to a religion lost. Why couldn’t the padre and those in the church give me an answer? Why, I ask you. Why wasn’t this ever expressed. Many left the fold over this and I dare say many still are.

I wish you all the best jesus because your supporters have really let you down on this one.

Thank you for reading. Love to you all.

Anne R Keye