The 8th Day Ventriloquists

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Hello dear Atheists and Agnostics. I am not here to proselytise but to introduce you to the new christian denomination called the “8th day Ventriloquists”

What is an 8th day Ventriloquist.

An 8th day ventriloquist believes that somehow jesus is gods son who isn’t god but who is him by not being him. We acknowledge this by inserting our arm into the rectum of a dummy and sliding it onto our left hand. We then talk to our personal dummy jesus who is our best friend and advisor by controlling the mouthpiece. For example, “Hello jesus, what day is it?” and The dummy jesus replies “Well, it is tuesday” and the 8th day believer replies to the dummy jesus “Wow, how could you know that, you are so wise dummy jesus”, and the dummy jesus replies “Because it is you doing the talking and not me because I am a dummy on your arm”.

The Ambitious 8th day Ventriloquist

For this you will need to purchase the dummy god [$5 at amazon now, get cheap deals, early bird! ]. The 8th day member will again need to insert his arm up the rectum of the dummy but this time on the right arm. The 8th day ventriloquist will now become the trinity because he now has the dummy jesus on the left and the dummy god on the right with himself in the centre as the holey ghost. [ He will also need to apply white face make up and a white sheet for realistic effect].

Controlling the dummy god the dummy jesus and embodying the holely spirit.

For this one needs to be very experienced because it can all get out of hand very quickly. The main problem being that the holey spirit will find holes all over the place especially in the bible. To counter this he must speak to the dummy god in holey tones whilst at the same time controlling his pesky dummy son jesus. For example. “Hello is god there?”, “Yes it is me speaking through your hand up my rectum”. The 8th day believer replies, “It was so good of you to let your son die for everyone”, But, all of a sudden the dummy jesus replies, “No it wan’t dad it was bloody painful!” The dummy god interjects “Oh no son it was for your own good and that of everyone else”,The dummy jesus suddenly goes mental,”Oi dad you get up there on that cross and have a spear stuck in your side!” Now as you can see it is all getting very heated and out of control. At this point the 8th day ventriloquist must take charge as it is turning into a three dimensional madhouse. The 8th day ventriloquist then senses trouble and takes the appropriate action “Okay dummy god and dummy jesus you must both go back into the draw now and you can come out again tomorrow”.

We are a peaceful religion and as such we have been commanded by the dummy jesus and the dummy god to re-new the lords prayer to bring world peace. It is as follows and you may wish to recite it with  your family before dinner or at a social gathering or at your local church. It goes as follows,

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today,
I wish, I wish he’d go away…

When I came home last night at three,
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door…

Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn’t there,
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away…

So forget the 7th day adventists, the 6th day mormons and the 5 a day catholics and join the the 8th day ventriloquists, you know it makes sense!

Membership is free although we are accepting donations and tithes of 1 million dollars onwards!

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Translating jesus [My De-Conversion]

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One day for some unknown reason I just started to TRANSLATE what was being said. The church leader needed to make up the numbers and was in full force selling jesus. As I listened it just  started to get more and more absurd. This is my “Translation” of a conversation made to a new ambitious young recruit that changed my life forever.

CHURCHMAN: Hi, I would like to tell you about jesus,

YOUNG RECRUIT: Uh, okay,

CM: Well, jesus is amazing, he is 2000 years old. jesus did all sorts of unbelievable feats and he’s going to return very soon on a white horse!

YR; Wow, thats incredible, he sounds like an amazing man.

CM; No, he’s not a man, he’s god. He is the one true god but he is also his son and so they created the trinity to make it all clear. We have god the father, the holy ghost and his son jesus who is himself but not himself but who is his dad but not at the level of god his dad who is the one true god who is not polytheistic but singular and all encompassing in all aspects who is the Jewish polytheistic god of war.

YR; Wow, yes, that really makes sense,

CM; Certainly it does, and in order to save mankind he created his mother Mary and then impregnated her without sex and gave birth to himself!

YR; Mind blowing stuff!

CM; And guess what,

YR; What?

CM; It wan’t incest. No siree, It was simply miraculous, thats all, a miracle of jesus and his dad god who isn’t the holy spirit but employed the seed of the holy spirit for his son who planned it but who wasn’t born at the time.

YR;  That”s truly miraculous!

CM; Yes, you’ve got to hand it to jesus brother!

YR; Amen, there! So jesus really cares for us?

CM; Oh, yes, jesus is so loving and he really wanted to help the people and to show that love so he made a big fire that’s eternal. And in order to love his neighbour as himself and turn the other cheek he’s going to throw all those that won’t listen to him in it to burn forever!

YR; Wow, he must be a really loving guy,

CM; Remember, he’s the alpha and omega, he is all that is, that was, that could be, but not all that won’t be, or isn’t or might be or might not be. He is the word, the logos, the omega the beginning, the end and some parts in the middle too.

YR; Yeah, jesus sounds really cool,

CM; jesus is super cool, but, jesus doesn’t approve of sex though. He was a virgin all his life.

YR; But wasn’t he lonely?

CM; Never! He had an underage boyfriend his beloved disciple called john. But guess what,

YR: What?

CM; He wasn’t gay or a phaedophile!

YR; Wow. This jesus must be extraordinary.

CM: Yeah, nothing is impossible to jesus.

YR; Tell me more

CM:  jesus died to save the mankind and overcome the world that he didn’t need to overcome as he is not in the world and was non existent at the time of his dad’s creation, although he created it himself.

YR; Awesome! This is all so mysterious.

CM; Praise the lord yes. Even god is sometimes mystified by his moves from his mysterious ways.

YR; Tell me more about jesus.

CM; Well, his trusted friend judas sold him out. But, judas paid the price in the end by hanging himself as he didn’t because he fell over a cliff.

YR; How do you know this?

CM; God left us a book called the bible, It is the inerrant word and every word is  the perfect word of  god. Not a single word can be changed. We use the King James version as it is the best translation from Hebrew into Aramaic into greek into French into English.

YR; Yeah, the evidence is all there I suppose?

CM; Oh, definitely. Anyway, to cut a long story short, jesus then came back from the dead. And had saved the world. And now the only way back to god his dad who is him but not him is through jesus.

YR. Wow, you have overwhelming evidence there I think.

CM; The evidence is all there in the bible providing you don’t read it.

YR; But why did jesus need to save mankind in the first place?

CM; Well, his dad created the world with a perfect plan that cannot be changed by giving man free will. Man then disobeyed god by using his free will that was written in the plan that god created so that man would disobey god and hence god could then destroy man and then redeem him. Actually it was women who made man fall by listening to a talking snake. So the blame is really on women.

YR; I see, yes that makes perfect sense, But I like women and I love my mum,

CM; Yeah, it’s just that in this religion we have nothing against women, but, it is just that we see them as secondary or even less and many of us are insecure misogynistic, bigoted, ignorant, male chauvinist pigs. But, remember that jesus loved women so much that he let them bend down on their knees and wash his feet.

YR; Praise to jesus, he is just so awesome! What happened next?

CM; god wiped out the human race in a flood that he copied and pasted from Gilgamesh. But that wasn’t enough so he later got King Herod to kill all the new born babies who couldn’t understand or fight back to have their throats cut and be murdered so that his son jesus could be born. Of course this was an act of love and not cowardice.

YR; Wow, this god truly is love,

CM; Yes, god is only love and jesus is so loving and that’s why jesus preached peace and came to bring sword and divide father from son and mother from daughter.

YR; And what happens to mankind when jesus comes out of the clouds on his white horse?

CM; Well,  jesus will take all those that love him back to his dad’s place called heaven, and then let everyone else on the planet die in a horrible, brutal, bloody, terrifying cesspit!

YR; Nobody is a loving as jesus!

DECONVERSION:

Well there it is. I just couldn’t help but TRANSLATE what was actually being said!. I thought to myself, why I am I thinking and hearing it all like this, this hasn’t happened before. In desperation I consulted the bible, but it got worse and worse and it all kept falling apart layer after layer. god was silent or out to lunch and jesus had just become a new testament contradictory joke!

Difficult as it was there was simply no going back.. But what bothered me the most was this. Do the people who sell this stuff and who have read and studied the bible, the birth narratives, the crucifixion accounts really believe this stuff? I mean, they have spent years analysing and justifying the contractions and nonsensical non-sense that is the bible. The trinity, the jesus accounts, the contradictions, the history. I mean jesus isn’t even mentioned in history,[ only twice by Josephesus]. Surely there would be volumes written about him!

Anyway, that’s my deconversion. Simple, just TRANSLATE what is actually being said and then read the bible et al and it will all dissolve. It is all a very childish, immature infantile and silly affair, that is a mockery unto itself.

 

Anne R Keye 2014

 

 

 

 

 

INSPIRING WORDS FROM MR DAWKINS!

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Wow! I think that I will paint my masterpiece now!

Love to you al

Anne E Keye 2014

Christians are Backsliders!

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Why are christians backsliding nowadays?

Why, oh dear christian readers don’t you have the strength and faith to follow your convictions? Why have you become so weak?

What are you so scared of?

I was reading a book that a dear old christian lady was studying as requested by her church.

I asked her where jesus was in this book? Where’s the teachings of jesus in here?

Oh, she replied, we don’t use him anymore for reference,

What, I exclaimed!

No, she said, we follow the writings of paul nowadays.

It was truly amazing to behold. That means that 3/4 of the bible is discarded. [That being the OT and God]. And now most of the NT [Thats his son isn’t it?] And now a few sorry chapters left.

What happens when pauls THORN IN HIS SIDE is questioned and opened up. Meaning Paul’s hommo-sexuality. Then I suppose like jesus’s beloved disciple [Greek, meaning young boy lover] paul will also be dropped out of sight.

Who will replace paul? Who dear christian?

Please have the courage of your convictions. Even if you realise that your religion doesn’t have legs to stand on. Please at least have the guts to stand by what you are supposed to believe. And as for the bible, there isn’t much left in there for you anymore I suppose is there?

So, dear friends it’s all or nothing here. Backslide anymore and you won’t have a religion to backslide from.

Do you now see, feel and realise that your world lays on fragile ground with infertile soil? If not then take your pedestal and stop backsliding.

 

I wish you all luck and love

Anne R Keye 2014

 

Heaven is Hell!

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The other day I came to a funny realisation whilst talking to a recently de converted christian lady. We were laughing at the concept of hell that seems to scare so many believers. I said that it was never hell that scared or bothered me but the idea that I might have to be with my relatives forever. Now, that would mean their relatives and so on and that would be some big family to squabble with I can tell you! Well, I said that would be terrible and really depressing. Every day would be the same day with the same people. A sort of “Stepford wives” gone awol. Everyday with the same people forever! No escape! You can’t get out. The rape victim plays with the rapist, the murdered hangs out with the murderer and the paedophile plays with children. Well, they all found jesus didn’t they and he let them in. Oh dear no thank you.

All those relatives that we secretly dislike and who dislike us secretly in turn. All those that caused us pain and suffering. Pretending forever to be nice to a load of people we have nothing in common with. No common ground, nothing! Let the back stabbing and idle gossip begin.

We would also have the sly gestapo creeps, “Oh, jesus it’s me, you know the one who loves you so very much more than everybody else up here” creep, creep, ” As jesus replies, “Hey, pick up the soap son”! “Uh uh uh, ow what ya doin’ ta me jesus?” How many cunning cloak and dagger obsessives will be trying to worm their way around jesus?  And jesus will be with the beloved disciple a bit like Michael Jackson with that little Jodie boy sitting at the front of the worship stage pretending to act normal. And we will have to go to this stage everyday and worship him, fawn over him and behave like stunted immature babes forever! It reminds me and makes me feel and think of Nazism when I contemplate the absurdity of heaven. People selling out their own families to further their own end. But of course there isn’t an end to further because it is all eternity anyway.

The idea of heaven is revolting along with most of the people in it especially paedophile church leaders and members.

Hell is ideal because many of us get cremated anyway. Fire produces warmth and light and we can cook nice food and produce boiling water for a fine cup of coffee. Heaven is white but cold and sterile. It is not pure radiance but snow fallen and freezing. A bit like the North pole but it goes on forever and there isn’t a boat to bail anybody out. If you are planning on going there please remember to take a very warm coat, some leggings and a wooly hat because temperatures can get beyond freezing!

I said to her that I think that believers don’t really think of the consequences and misery that heaven would bring to their existence [or non existence]. Yes, she laughed and then we parted ways.

Anne  Keye

Why are christians so unhappy?

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Christians love to display how happy they are in their religion. But, below the surface lies a very different picture bathed in worry, fear and rejection.

God won’t help or answer prayers. They feel so alone. When they walk out of the church and back into real life suddenly jesus is gone and so is the warming community that comforted them. Outside life is very different. Reality bites.

I know this through personal experience and going behind the closed door into the real world of unhappy believers. I was actually quite happy, but those around me kept their pain in silence. But when they felt trust out it would all come. Their uncertainties, their search for justification of theirs and others misfortunes. It was a world away from their smiling countenances displayed in public. It was amazing how much people questioned it all on a daily basis. How could this all be they would ask?

I kept silent. Schtm! What could I say, because I was in the same boat albeit a very happy and healthy boat.

I still meet a few of them and they are still repeating the same act. Smiling and pretending, But underneath lies a very fragile person

Love to you all. I hope you all come clean and improve your lives,

Anne R Keye 2014

 

 

 

CREDENCE TO CRETINS?…Give pity only

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A vicar walks into the room. Rational people suddenly display very strange body language and mannerisms. “Oh your reverence”, “Oh reverent”, “O, servant of god”.

A yawning bloke in the corner of the room looks over at the vicar and  and says “Oi!, ‘Arry, you want a beer”?

The shocked gathering of people look at each other in bewilderment.

A very upright elderly lady informs the bloke “Excuse me but you can’t talk to him like that you know, he’s the Reverend”

But the bloke just laughs his ass off, [But, he also realises that he has to make an accurate correction here], “Nah, e’s “Arry” and points to the vicar  “Now, what you ‘avin A’rry, a pint of the best”?

Harold the vicar looks over at the bloke and displays a very depressed countenance.

“Please” says the elderly lady “You must show respect for the right honourable vicar”‘

The bloke says, “Nah, I ai’nt ‘avin that e’s A’rry and will always be A’rry. That’s just  silly clobber [outfit] and a silly belief ‘ee picked up form ‘is old boyfriend Reg”

The vicars head dropped like a sack of rotting potatoes and the old lady started having a funny turn.

Bloke, “Well that’s cleared that up then, Now for the last time, What you ‘avin ‘array”?

DON’T GIVE CREDENCE TO CRETINS. Give pity.

When someone says “Oh that’s so offensive”, or “It offends my religion”, or “You can’t say that, it is so offensive to my beliefs” or “you can’t say that against him because he is the church leader” etc.

These are people PRETENDING. They are pretending to know something that they don’t know and CANNOT know. These are people who talk to themselves and pretend that when they speak back to themselves that it is some how somebody else. This is called schizophrenia! The recipient is Psychopathic! A split personality. A dual process.

These people aren’t nuts, but very lost and infantile.  Don’t be nasty or hateful in any way to them because you will only upset them. They are delicate and their egos will deflate at a rate of knots. Show them love and understanding but never never never give credence to silliness, only pity.

Love to you all

Anne R Keye 2014