TRANSLATING JESUS PART 2 and 3

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TRANSLATING JESUS PART 2 The Cruci- “Fiction”

Preacher: Hi, I need to talk some more about God and Jesus,

Me: Okay.

P; Well God being divine and perfect as only he is got his whole creation process wrong. He in his wisdom kept making things worse and worse. After courageously killing innocent men women and children by drowning them in a horrifying flood of love God realised that he had a serious anger problem. Although humiliated by this, he was lucky enough to have saved a 950 year old guy called Noah and two of every animal and apparently some T Rex’s in a big wooden boat full of every germ known to mankind and huge containers full of large lumps of excrement. By this loving act life could still exist and God’s mistakes would be hidden. well, for a while.

Me; Wow, he sounds like a really courageous God. His cowardly act sounds like the epitome of supreme morality!

P; Yeah, God is good! Praise the lord! Anyway, God had gotten to the point where the wickedness of mankind created by him which mankind hadn’t really committed had become a burden to him again. But, because God was such a perfect deity in his failings he decided to have a son to do the dirty work for him. His son was to come and save mankind who didn’t need saving.

Me: Oh, wow! That was good of him.

P; Yeah, God because he has supernatural power and could do anything he wanted gave birth to his only begotten son because he couldn’t have more than one.

Me; Oh, Okay, that makes sense,

P; Of course it does. It is prophesised in the Old Testament : Isaiah 7:14 The “virgin” (almah) shall be with child and his name shall be Immanuel”. But for simplicity’s sake and because it doesn’t make any proper sense we just call him Jesus. He was born in the time of King Herod, although King Herod had died in 4BC before Jesus was born, King Herod sent soldiers out into Bethlehem to kill all the children 2-years-old and under in his attempt to kill Jesus. So all these innocent young babies and children had to die brutally by the sword so that Jesus could survive. How loving is that?

Me; Holy lord that is an act of pure devotion!

P; The story gets even more interesting because Jesus then impregnates his own mother called Mary in order to give birth to himself.

Me, Wow What an amazing Mofo!

P; Oh no please watch your language! It was the word that did the business because his mother was and remained a virgin even though she had given birth.

Me; But surely a human baby came out of the vagina?

P; Well yes and no, because Jesus is God who isn’t God who is the Holy Ghost by not being the Holy Ghost and hence makes it very easy for everyone to understand.

Me: But semen would be needed to  impregnate  his “Own” mother in order to produce himself as flesh,

P; Ah, but remember, Jesus is God who isn’t God. Jesus is “Immortal” and has been existing for ever and a day even when Jesus didn’t exist because God hadn’t created him yet.

Me: Yeah that’s easy to understand. It’s a good thing he’s not illegitimate or a bastard,

P; No Siree! Jesus Christ, the Son of God, He is the first-born of all “Creation”!

Me; Hmm, hold on, If Jesus is the “First-born” of all creation – then  doesn’t this document that Jesus was “Created”? Doesn’t this dispel the myth that God can NOT be created?

P; Ha ha, No of course not. just listen to me, and ignore you’re instincts and especially ignore those history and science books because they will make you think objectively and produce evidence!

Me; Uh, okay, that sounds like wise advice,

P; Jesus came to save mankind by being crucified in a bloody pornographic mess by wiping a clean slate for mans sins that man did NOT commit. This meant that through Jesus man could finally get back to God so that God would not get the humiliating slap for his incompetent failings and murderous deeds.

Me; Cool! Amen!

P; Jesus also invented a new loving device called Hell. Although he likes to pass the buck by implying that it was really Satan’s fault. God and Jesus being so all powerful are Omniescient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent and have unbeatable power and that is why they could’nt defeat Satan by having people sent to the flames of hell where they would burn forever for God and Jesus’s own full proof plans going to pot.

Me: God and Jesus are sure a good loving and clever team!

P; God set a new plan in motion that couldn’t be changed. God made a plan for his gullible son to die brutally for mankind’s innocence.

Me; Yeah, I understand and is that why Jesus was begging for God to stop it all and sweating blood in the garden of Gethsemane. Was jesus praying to himself to stop what he had put in motion himself and he knew that he couldn’t stop. So his praying wouldn’t have worked because he would have known that he would pray to himself to stop what he knew he could’t stop because he had set it in motion by his own plan?

P; Yes, exactly, That’s the beauty of free will. When everything is pre determined our free will frees us to enjoy our destiny that is pre ordained. That is why God gave us our pre ordained free will that we can’t control in the first place in the Garden of Eden. It gives us control of our lives that we can’t control because God has already scripted it in a plan that can’ t be changed. A plan thats gone to pot!

Me: Yep, that makes perfect sense. I don’t know why everybody doesn’t follow this religion!

P; To complete the story, jesus being “Immortal” died for mankind’s sins that mankind hadn’t created.

Me: But isn’t there a problem here?

P; What problem?

ME; If Jesus is IMMORTAL and Jesus is God then he CAN’T DIE?

P; Hmm, therein lies the crux of the christian dilemma, Even at it’s root christianity fails, but we skip over that because most believers don’t question it. Anyway if they do we can just shun them!

Me: What a loving religion this is. But, I do have more questions, and I really do have to clarify some points with you.

P; Amen, go ahead brother, I am here to serve God!

TRANSLATING JESUS PART 3

A nasty ‘Orrible’ Atheist butts in and it all get’s a bit serious…..

Atheist:  Surely, Jesus could’t have died for anybody’s sins because if Jesus is IMMORTAL THEN JESUS CAN’T DIE AND CAN’T RISE AND CAN’T COME BACK TO LIFE!

P; Um, in theory yes,

A: Okay. But If we have to get to the God of the Old Testament [otherwise who is the God you are talking about?] through Jesus who can’t die so he can’t resurrect and can’t save himself yet alone us from what we haven’t done wrong in the first place because it was Gods incomprehensible plan. Hmmm, then what has jesus achieved?

P; Faith! Brother!

A; In what? Isn’t Jesus  just a “Middle Man” and a CREATION to get back to the God of the old testament who will do with us as he pleases anyway. Jesus serves absolutely NO PURPOSE. Isn’t Jesus a big a failure as his dad God?

P: Not if you have faith brother!

A: The only sins that Jesus could die for would be his own because it is his dad God’s planning  that caused all of the problems in the first place. Gods planning is the problem.

P; Hey, God is good remember?

A; I am saying that people are going through Jesus to get to his dad God who will treat them exactly the same as he would in the OT. That means that God can’t make judgements because God cannot trust himself . God can’t take responsibility for himself and God has to pass the blame for his own ignorance. God also contradicts himself in every account at every opportunity and at every juncture wether biblically or in someone’s imagination of who or what God is. God let his own family member take the pain for him. There are hundreds of denominations and each believes that they have the ONLY real God and Jesus.That means that everyone is going to hell including God and his son Jesus  because they are not  in all actuality DEFINED. Each definition of God is in accordance to the mind of the person and denomination making it.

P;  Our church and our God is the correct one. We know this because God has spoken to us and chosen us.

A; But isn’t your God and Saviour really your EGO.

P; I know the answer to save you, dear atheist!

A; What’s that?

P; Prayer, Pray to the Lord!

A;  Surely, If you turn to prayer then you are saying that you don’t have the faith that you wish to have or pretend to possess. Also, that would go against Gods plan that is already set in motion?

P: No,no, no God doesn’t work like that, he works in mysterious ways that we don’t know or understand.

A; You can only speak in your head TO YOURSELF there’s no one else there. It is simply wrestling with your own ego in your head. That’s why if you are honest God is always silent to you and everybody else waiting in desperation. 

P; Oh Lord forgive him, he doesn’t know what he is saying, He’s lost his mind!

A; It’s your defeated ego in your head pretending to forgive me. A deflated ego will sweat it out in uncertainty and confusion.

P; What! Oh no, you are one of those horrible atheists or worse, you’re not a a catholic are you? And hey, I’m doing the converting here, not you!

A: Ha, yeah that’s funny in itself isn’t it? Converting to what?

P; Well, I have news! The end of times is coming and you will see then, and the Lord will be very angry and show his love by destroying mankind!

A; That would make him  a baby throwing his toys out of the pram that he himself had created. That would make him a bad workman and hopeless creator. I hope He’s on his way then we can all go to hell together, me you and all the other Christian denominations who have obviously got it all wrong and then we can get on with our lives and live like responsible adults.

P; Uhh, What?

A; You bring the matches, I’ll bring the gasoline!

Anne Key

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The 8th Day Ventriloquists

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Hello dear Atheists and Agnostics. I am not here to proselytise but to introduce you to the new christian denomination called the “8th day Ventriloquists”

What is an 8th day Ventriloquist.

An 8th day ventriloquist believes that somehow jesus is gods son who isn’t god but who is him by not being him. We acknowledge this by inserting our arm into the rectum of a dummy and sliding it onto our left hand. We then talk to our personal dummy jesus who is our best friend and advisor by controlling the mouthpiece. For example, “Hello jesus, what day is it?” and The dummy jesus replies “Well, it is tuesday” and the 8th day believer replies to the dummy jesus “Wow, how could you know that, you are so wise dummy jesus”, and the dummy jesus replies “Because it is you doing the talking and not me because I am a dummy on your arm”.

The Ambitious 8th day Ventriloquist

For this you will need to purchase the dummy god [$5 at amazon now, get cheap deals, early bird! ]. The 8th day member will again need to insert his arm up the rectum of the dummy but this time on the right arm. The 8th day ventriloquist will now become the trinity because he now has the dummy jesus on the left and the dummy god on the right with himself in the centre as the holey ghost. [ He will also need to apply white face make up and a white sheet for realistic effect].

Controlling the dummy god the dummy jesus and embodying the holely spirit.

For this one needs to be very experienced because it can all get out of hand very quickly. The main problem being that the holey spirit will find holes all over the place especially in the bible. To counter this he must speak to the dummy god in holey tones whilst at the same time controlling his pesky dummy son jesus. For example. “Hello is god there?”, “Yes it is me speaking through your hand up my rectum”. The 8th day believer replies, “It was so good of you to let your son die for everyone”, But, all of a sudden the dummy jesus replies, “No it wan’t dad it was bloody painful!” The dummy god interjects “Oh no son it was for your own good and that of everyone else”,The dummy jesus suddenly goes mental,”Oi dad you get up there on that cross and have a spear stuck in your side!” Now as you can see it is all getting very heated and out of control. At this point the 8th day ventriloquist must take charge as it is turning into a three dimensional madhouse. The 8th day ventriloquist then senses trouble and takes the appropriate action “Okay dummy god and dummy jesus you must both go back into the draw now and you can come out again tomorrow”.

We are a peaceful religion and as such we have been commanded by the dummy jesus and the dummy god to re-new the lords prayer to bring world peace. It is as follows and you may wish to recite it with  your family before dinner or at a social gathering or at your local church. It goes as follows,

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today,
I wish, I wish he’d go away…

When I came home last night at three,
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door…

Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn’t there,
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away…

So forget the 7th day adventists, the 6th day mormons and the 5 a day catholics and join the the 8th day ventriloquists, you know it makes sense!

Membership is free although we are accepting donations and tithes of 1 million dollars onwards!

Translating jesus [My De-Conversion]

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One day for some unknown reason I just started to TRANSLATE what was being said. The church leader needed to make up the numbers and was in full force selling jesus. As I listened it just  started to get more and more absurd. This is my “Translation” of a conversation made to a new ambitious young recruit that changed my life forever.

CHURCHMAN: Hi, I would like to tell you about jesus,

YOUNG RECRUIT: Uh, okay,

CM: Well, jesus is amazing, he is 2000 years old. jesus did all sorts of unbelievable feats and he’s going to return very soon on a white horse!

YR; Wow, thats incredible, he sounds like an amazing man.

CM; No, he’s not a man, he’s god. He is the one true god but he is also his son and so they created the trinity to make it all clear. We have god the father, the holy ghost and his son jesus who is himself but not himself but who is his dad but not at the level of god his dad who is the one true god who is not polytheistic but singular and all encompassing in all aspects who is the Jewish polytheistic god of war.

YR; Wow, yes, that really makes sense,

CM; Certainly it does, and in order to save mankind he created his mother Mary and then impregnated her without sex and gave birth to himself!

YR; Mind blowing stuff!

CM; And guess what,

YR; What?

CM; It wan’t incest. No siree, It was simply miraculous, thats all, a miracle of jesus and his dad god who isn’t the holy spirit but employed the seed of the holy spirit for his son who planned it but who wasn’t born at the time.

YR;  That”s truly miraculous!

CM; Yes, you’ve got to hand it to jesus brother!

YR; Amen, there! So jesus really cares for us?

CM; Oh, yes, jesus is so loving and he really wanted to help the people and to show that love so he made a big fire that’s eternal. And in order to love his neighbour as himself and turn the other cheek he’s going to throw all those that won’t listen to him in it to burn forever!

YR; Wow, he must be a really loving guy,

CM; Remember, he’s the alpha and omega, he is all that is, that was, that could be, but not all that won’t be, or isn’t or might be or might not be. He is the word, the logos, the omega the beginning, the end and some parts in the middle too.

YR; Yeah, jesus sounds really cool,

CM; jesus is super cool, but, jesus doesn’t approve of sex though. He was a virgin all his life.

YR; But wasn’t he lonely?

CM; Never! He had an underage boyfriend his beloved disciple called john. But guess what,

YR: What?

CM; He wasn’t gay or a phaedophile!

YR; Wow. This jesus must be extraordinary.

CM: Yeah, nothing is impossible to jesus.

YR; Tell me more

CM:  jesus died to save the mankind and overcome the world that he didn’t need to overcome as he is not in the world and was non existent at the time of his dad’s creation, although he created it himself.

YR; Awesome! This is all so mysterious.

CM; Praise the lord yes. Even god is sometimes mystified by his moves from his mysterious ways.

YR; Tell me more about jesus.

CM; Well, his trusted friend judas sold him out. But, judas paid the price in the end by hanging himself as he didn’t because he fell over a cliff.

YR; How do you know this?

CM; God left us a book called the bible, It is the inerrant word and every word is  the perfect word of  god. Not a single word can be changed. We use the King James version as it is the best translation from Hebrew into Aramaic into greek into French into English.

YR; Yeah, the evidence is all there I suppose?

CM; Oh, definitely. Anyway, to cut a long story short, jesus then came back from the dead. And had saved the world. And now the only way back to god his dad who is him but not him is through jesus.

YR. Wow, you have overwhelming evidence there I think.

CM; The evidence is all there in the bible providing you don’t read it.

YR; But why did jesus need to save mankind in the first place?

CM; Well, his dad created the world with a perfect plan that cannot be changed by giving man free will. Man then disobeyed god by using his free will that was written in the plan that god created so that man would disobey god and hence god could then destroy man and then redeem him. Actually it was women who made man fall by listening to a talking snake. So the blame is really on women.

YR; I see, yes that makes perfect sense, But I like women and I love my mum,

CM; Yeah, it’s just that in this religion we have nothing against women, but, it is just that we see them as secondary or even less and many of us are insecure misogynistic, bigoted, ignorant, male chauvinist pigs. But, remember that jesus loved women so much that he let them bend down on their knees and wash his feet.

YR; Praise to jesus, he is just so awesome! What happened next?

CM; god wiped out the human race in a flood that he copied and pasted from Gilgamesh. But that wasn’t enough so he later got King Herod to kill all the new born babies who couldn’t understand or fight back to have their throats cut and be murdered so that his son jesus could be born. Of course this was an act of love and not cowardice.

YR; Wow, this god truly is love,

CM; Yes, god is only love and jesus is so loving and that’s why jesus preached peace and came to bring sword and divide father from son and mother from daughter.

YR; And what happens to mankind when jesus comes out of the clouds on his white horse?

CM; Well,  jesus will take all those that love him back to his dad’s place called heaven, and then let everyone else on the planet die in a horrible, brutal, bloody, terrifying cesspit!

YR; Nobody is a loving as jesus!

DECONVERSION:

Well there it is. I just couldn’t help but TRANSLATE what was actually being said!. I thought to myself, why I am I thinking and hearing it all like this, this hasn’t happened before. In desperation I consulted the bible, but it got worse and worse and it all kept falling apart layer after layer. god was silent or out to lunch and jesus had just become a new testament contradictory joke!

Difficult as it was there was simply no going back.. But what bothered me the most was this. Do the people who sell this stuff and who have read and studied the bible, the birth narratives, the crucifixion accounts really believe this stuff? I mean, they have spent years analysing and justifying the contractions and nonsensical non-sense that is the bible. The trinity, the jesus accounts, the contradictions, the history. I mean jesus isn’t even mentioned in history,[ only twice by Josephesus]. Surely there would be volumes written about him!

Anyway, that’s my deconversion. Simple, just TRANSLATE what is actually being said and then read the bible et al and it will all dissolve. It is all a very childish, immature infantile and silly affair, that is a mockery unto itself.

 

Anne R Keye 2014

 

 

 

 

 

INSPIRING WORDS FROM MR DAWKINS!

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Wow! I think that I will paint my masterpiece now!

Love to you al

Anne E Keye 2014

Christians are Backsliders!

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Why are christians backsliding nowadays?

Why, oh dear christian readers don’t you have the strength and faith to follow your convictions? Why have you become so weak?

What are you so scared of?

I was reading a book that a dear old christian lady was studying as requested by her church.

I asked her where jesus was in this book? Where’s the teachings of jesus in here?

Oh, she replied, we don’t use him anymore for reference,

What, I exclaimed!

No, she said, we follow the writings of paul nowadays.

It was truly amazing to behold. That means that 3/4 of the bible is discarded. [That being the OT and God]. And now most of the NT [Thats his son isn’t it?] And now a few sorry chapters left.

What happens when pauls THORN IN HIS SIDE is questioned and opened up. Meaning Paul’s hommo-sexuality. Then I suppose like jesus’s beloved disciple [Greek, meaning young boy lover] paul will also be dropped out of sight.

Who will replace paul? Who dear christian?

Please have the courage of your convictions. Even if you realise that your religion doesn’t have legs to stand on. Please at least have the guts to stand by what you are supposed to believe. And as for the bible, there isn’t much left in there for you anymore I suppose is there?

So, dear friends it’s all or nothing here. Backslide anymore and you won’t have a religion to backslide from.

Do you now see, feel and realise that your world lays on fragile ground with infertile soil? If not then take your pedestal and stop backsliding.

 

I wish you all luck and love

Anne R Keye 2014

 

Why are christians so unhappy?

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Christians love to display how happy they are in their religion. But, below the surface lies a very different picture bathed in worry, fear and rejection.

God won’t help or answer prayers. They feel so alone. When they walk out of the church and back into real life suddenly jesus is gone and so is the warming community that comforted them. Outside life is very different. Reality bites.

I know this through personal experience and going behind the closed door into the real world of unhappy believers. I was actually quite happy, but those around me kept their pain in silence. But when they felt trust out it would all come. Their uncertainties, their search for justification of theirs and others misfortunes. It was a world away from their smiling countenances displayed in public. It was amazing how much people questioned it all on a daily basis. How could this all be they would ask?

I kept silent. Schtm! What could I say, because I was in the same boat albeit a very happy and healthy boat.

I still meet a few of them and they are still repeating the same act. Smiling and pretending, But underneath lies a very fragile person

Love to you all. I hope you all come clean and improve your lives,

Anne R Keye 2014

 

 

 

A man was talking to god…

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Man, why don’t you answer me?

God, because I don’t exist

M, But you must exist

G, Why?

M, Because you have just said that you don’t exist

G, Did I?

M, I thought I heard you,

G, No you did’nt

M, Are you sure?

G, Mostly definitely sure

M, But, I love you and your son

G, Your Nuts!

M, Oh no, your right, I’ve just spent the last ten minutes talking to myself,

G, Yep, and you know what they say about that don’t you?

M, Ur, um, yeah it’s the first sign of madness!

G, Need I say more.

 

“Pretending to know something that you don’t know and cannot know”. PB.

Love to you all

Anna R Keye 2014