TRANSLATING JESUS PART 2 The Cruci- “Fiction”
Preacher: Hi, I need to talk some more about God and Jesus,
P; Well God being divine and perfect as only he is got his whole creation process wrong. He in his wisdom kept making things worse and worse. After courageously killing innocent men women and children by drowning them in a horrifying flood of love God realised that he had a serious anger problem. Although humiliated by this, he was lucky enough to have saved a 950 year old guy called Noah and two of every animal and apparently some T Rex’s in a big wooden boat full of every germ known to mankind and huge containers full of large lumps of excrement. By this loving act life could still exist and God’s mistakes would be hidden. well, for a while.
Me; Wow, he sounds like a really courageous God. His cowardly act sounds like the epitome of supreme morality!
P; Yeah, God is good! Praise the lord! Anyway, God had gotten to the point where the wickedness of mankind created by him which mankind hadn’t really committed had become a burden to him again. But, because God was such a perfect deity in his failings he decided to have a son to do the dirty work for him. His son was to come and save mankind who didn’t need saving.
Me: Oh, wow! That was good of him.
P; Yeah, God because he has supernatural power and could do anything he wanted gave birth to his only begotten son because he couldn’t have more than one.
Me; Oh, Okay, that makes sense,
P; Of course it does. It is prophesised in the Old Testament : Isaiah 7:14 The “virgin” (almah) shall be with child and his name shall be Immanuel”. But for simplicity’s sake and because it doesn’t make any proper sense we just call him Jesus. He was born in the time of King Herod, although King Herod had died in 4BC before Jesus was born, King Herod sent soldiers out into Bethlehem to kill all the children 2-years-old and under in his attempt to kill Jesus. So all these innocent young babies and children had to die brutally by the sword so that Jesus could survive. How loving is that?
Me; Holy lord that is an act of pure devotion!
P; The story gets even more interesting because Jesus then impregnates his own mother called Mary in order to give birth to himself.
Me, Wow What an amazing Mofo!
P; Oh no please watch your language! It was the word that did the business because his mother was and remained a virgin even though she had given birth.
Me; But surely a human baby came out of the vagina?
P; Well yes and no, because Jesus is God who isn’t God who is the Holy Ghost by not being the Holy Ghost and hence makes it very easy for everyone to understand.
Me: But semen would be needed to impregnate his “Own” mother in order to produce himself as flesh,
P; Ah, but remember, Jesus is God who isn’t God. Jesus is “Immortal” and has been existing for ever and a day even when Jesus didn’t exist because God hadn’t created him yet.
Me: Yeah that’s easy to understand. It’s a good thing he’s not illegitimate or a bastard,
P; No Siree! Jesus Christ, the Son of God, He is the first-born of all “Creation”!
Me; Hmm, hold on, If Jesus is the “First-born” of all creation – then doesn’t this document that Jesus was “Created”? Doesn’t this dispel the myth that God can NOT be created?
P; Ha ha, No of course not. just listen to me, and ignore you’re instincts and especially ignore those history and science books because they will make you think objectively and produce evidence!
Me; Uh, okay, that sounds like wise advice,
P; Jesus came to save mankind by being crucified in a bloody pornographic mess by wiping a clean slate for mans sins that man did NOT commit. This meant that through Jesus man could finally get back to God so that God would not get the humiliating slap for his incompetent failings and murderous deeds.
Me; Cool! Amen!
P; Jesus also invented a new loving device called Hell. Although he likes to pass the buck by implying that it was really Satan’s fault. God and Jesus being so all powerful are Omniescient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent and have unbeatable power and that is why they could’nt defeat Satan by having people sent to the flames of hell where they would burn forever for God and Jesus’s own full proof plans going to pot.
Me: God and Jesus are sure a good loving and clever team!
P; God set a new plan in motion that couldn’t be changed. God made a plan for his gullible son to die brutally for mankind’s innocence.
Me; Yeah, I understand and is that why Jesus was begging for God to stop it all and sweating blood in the garden of Gethsemane. Was jesus praying to himself to stop what he had put in motion himself and he knew that he couldn’t stop. So his praying wouldn’t have worked because he would have known that he would pray to himself to stop what he knew he could’t stop because he had set it in motion by his own plan?
P; Yes, exactly, That’s the beauty of free will. When everything is pre determined our free will frees us to enjoy our destiny that is pre ordained. That is why God gave us our pre ordained free will that we can’t control in the first place in the Garden of Eden. It gives us control of our lives that we can’t control because God has already scripted it in a plan that can’ t be changed. A plan thats gone to pot!
Me: Yep, that makes perfect sense. I don’t know why everybody doesn’t follow this religion!
P; To complete the story, jesus being “Immortal” died for mankind’s sins that mankind hadn’t created.
Me: But isn’t there a problem here?
P; What problem?
ME; If Jesus is IMMORTAL and Jesus is God then he CAN’T DIE?
P; Hmm, therein lies the crux of the christian dilemma, Even at it’s root christianity fails, but we skip over that because most believers don’t question it. Anyway if they do we can just shun them!
Me: What a loving religion this is. But, I do have more questions, and I really do have to clarify some points with you.
P; Amen, go ahead brother, I am here to serve God!
TRANSLATING JESUS PART 3
A nasty ‘Orrible’ Atheist butts in and it all get’s a bit serious…..
Atheist: Surely, Jesus could’t have died for anybody’s sins because if Jesus is IMMORTAL THEN JESUS CAN’T DIE AND CAN’T RISE AND CAN’T COME BACK TO LIFE!
P; Um, in theory yes,
A: Okay. But If we have to get to the God of the Old Testament [otherwise who is the God you are talking about?] through Jesus who can’t die so he can’t resurrect and can’t save himself yet alone us from what we haven’t done wrong in the first place because it was Gods incomprehensible plan. Hmmm, then what has jesus achieved?
P; Faith! Brother!
A; In what? Isn’t Jesus just a “Middle Man” and a CREATION to get back to the God of the old testament who will do with us as he pleases anyway. Jesus serves absolutely NO PURPOSE. Isn’t Jesus a big a failure as his dad God?
P: Not if you have faith brother!
A: The only sins that Jesus could die for would be his own because it is his dad God’s planning that caused all of the problems in the first place. Gods planning is the problem.
P; Hey, God is good remember?
A; I am saying that people are going through Jesus to get to his dad God who will treat them exactly the same as he would in the OT. That means that God can’t make judgements because God cannot trust himself . God can’t take responsibility for himself and God has to pass the blame for his own ignorance. God also contradicts himself in every account at every opportunity and at every juncture wether biblically or in someone’s imagination of who or what God is. God let his own family member take the pain for him. There are hundreds of denominations and each believes that they have the ONLY real God and Jesus.That means that everyone is going to hell including God and his son Jesus because they are not in all actuality DEFINED. Each definition of God is in accordance to the mind of the person and denomination making it.
P; Our church and our God is the correct one. We know this because God has spoken to us and chosen us.
A; But isn’t your God and Saviour really your EGO.
P; I know the answer to save you, dear atheist!
A; What’s that?
P; Prayer, Pray to the Lord!
A; Surely, If you turn to prayer then you are saying that you don’t have the faith that you wish to have or pretend to possess. Also, that would go against Gods plan that is already set in motion?
P: No,no, no God doesn’t work like that, he works in mysterious ways that we don’t know or understand.
A; You can only speak in your head TO YOURSELF there’s no one else there. It is simply wrestling with your own ego in your head. That’s why if you are honest God is always silent to you and everybody else waiting in desperation.
P; Oh Lord forgive him, he doesn’t know what he is saying, He’s lost his mind!
A; It’s your defeated ego in your head pretending to forgive me. A deflated ego will sweat it out in uncertainty and confusion.
P; What! Oh no, you are one of those horrible atheists or worse, you’re not a a catholic are you? And hey, I’m doing the converting here, not you!
A: Ha, yeah that’s funny in itself isn’t it? Converting to what?
P; Well, I have news! The end of times is coming and you will see then, and the Lord will be very angry and show his love by destroying mankind!
A; That would make him a baby throwing his toys out of the pram that he himself had created. That would make him a bad workman and hopeless creator. I hope He’s on his way then we can all go to hell together, me you and all the other Christian denominations who have obviously got it all wrong and then we can get on with our lives and live like responsible adults.
P; Uhh, What?
A; You bring the matches, I’ll bring the gasoline!