Translating jesus [My De-Conversion]

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One day for some unknown reason I just started to TRANSLATE what was being said. The church leader needed to make up the numbers and was in full force selling jesus. As I listened it just  started to get more and more absurd. This is my “Translation” of a conversation made to a new ambitious young recruit that changed my life forever.

CHURCHMAN: Hi, I would like to tell you about jesus,

YOUNG RECRUIT: Uh, okay,

CM: Well, jesus is amazing, he is 2000 years old. jesus did all sorts of unbelievable feats and he’s going to return very soon on a white horse!

YR; Wow, thats incredible, he sounds like an amazing man.

CM; No, he’s not a man, he’s god. He is the one true god but he is also his son and so they created the trinity to make it all clear. We have god the father, the holy ghost and his son jesus who is himself but not himself but who is his dad but not at the level of god his dad who is the one true god who is not polytheistic but singular and all encompassing in all aspects who is the Jewish polytheistic god of war.

YR; Wow, yes, that really makes sense,

CM; Certainly it does, and in order to save mankind he created his mother Mary and then impregnated her without sex and gave birth to himself!

YR; Mind blowing stuff!

CM; And guess what,

YR; What?

CM; It wan’t incest. No siree, It was simply miraculous, thats all, a miracle of jesus and his dad god who isn’t the holy spirit but employed the seed of the holy spirit for his son who planned it but who wasn’t born at the time.

YR;  That”s truly miraculous!

CM; Yes, you’ve got to hand it to jesus brother!

YR; Amen, there! So jesus really cares for us?

CM; Oh, yes, jesus is so loving and he really wanted to help the people and to show that love so he made a big fire that’s eternal. And in order to love his neighbour as himself and turn the other cheek he’s going to throw all those that won’t listen to him in it to burn forever!

YR; Wow, he must be a really loving guy,

CM; Remember, he’s the alpha and omega, he is all that is, that was, that could be, but not all that won’t be, or isn’t or might be or might not be. He is the word, the logos, the omega the beginning, the end and some parts in the middle too.

YR; Yeah, jesus sounds really cool,

CM; jesus is super cool, but, jesus doesn’t approve of sex though. He was a virgin all his life.

YR; But wasn’t he lonely?

CM; Never! He had an underage boyfriend his beloved disciple called john. But guess what,

YR: What?

CM; He wasn’t gay or a phaedophile!

YR; Wow. This jesus must be extraordinary.

CM: Yeah, nothing is impossible to jesus.

YR; Tell me more

CM:  jesus died to save the mankind and overcome the world that he didn’t need to overcome as he is not in the world and was non existent at the time of his dad’s creation, although he created it himself.

YR; Awesome! This is all so mysterious.

CM; Praise the lord yes. Even god is sometimes mystified by his moves from his mysterious ways.

YR; Tell me more about jesus.

CM; Well, his trusted friend judas sold him out. But, judas paid the price in the end by hanging himself as he didn’t because he fell over a cliff.

YR; How do you know this?

CM; God left us a book called the bible, It is the inerrant word and every word is  the perfect word of  god. Not a single word can be changed. We use the King James version as it is the best translation from Hebrew into Aramaic into greek into French into English.

YR; Yeah, the evidence is all there I suppose?

CM; Oh, definitely. Anyway, to cut a long story short, jesus then came back from the dead. And had saved the world. And now the only way back to god his dad who is him but not him is through jesus.

YR. Wow, you have overwhelming evidence there I think.

CM; The evidence is all there in the bible providing you don’t read it.

YR; But why did jesus need to save mankind in the first place?

CM; Well, his dad created the world with a perfect plan that cannot be changed by giving man free will. Man then disobeyed god by using his free will that was written in the plan that god created so that man would disobey god and hence god could then destroy man and then redeem him. Actually it was women who made man fall by listening to a talking snake. So the blame is really on women.

YR; I see, yes that makes perfect sense, But I like women and I love my mum,

CM; Yeah, it’s just that in this religion we have nothing against women, but, it is just that we see them as secondary or even less and many of us are insecure misogynistic, bigoted, ignorant, male chauvinist pigs. But, remember that jesus loved women so much that he let them bend down on their knees and wash his feet.

YR; Praise to jesus, he is just so awesome! What happened next?

CM; god wiped out the human race in a flood that he copied and pasted from Gilgamesh. But that wasn’t enough so he later got King Herod to kill all the new born babies who couldn’t understand or fight back to have their throats cut and be murdered so that his son jesus could be born. Of course this was an act of love and not cowardice.

YR; Wow, this god truly is love,

CM; Yes, god is only love and jesus is so loving and that’s why jesus preached peace and came to bring sword and divide father from son and mother from daughter.

YR; And what happens to mankind when jesus comes out of the clouds on his white horse?

CM; Well,  jesus will take all those that love him back to his dad’s place called heaven, and then let everyone else on the planet die in a horrible, brutal, bloody, terrifying cesspit!

YR; Nobody is a loving as jesus!

DECONVERSION:

Well there it is. I just couldn’t help but TRANSLATE what was actually being said!. I thought to myself, why I am I thinking and hearing it all like this, this hasn’t happened before. In desperation I consulted the bible, but it got worse and worse and it all kept falling apart layer after layer. god was silent or out to lunch and jesus had just become a new testament contradictory joke!

Difficult as it was there was simply no going back.. But what bothered me the most was this. Do the people who sell this stuff and who have read and studied the bible, the birth narratives, the crucifixion accounts really believe this stuff? I mean, they have spent years analysing and justifying the contractions and nonsensical non-sense that is the bible. The trinity, the jesus accounts, the contradictions, the history. I mean jesus isn’t even mentioned in history,[ only twice by Josephesus]. Surely there would be volumes written about him!

Anyway, that’s my deconversion. Simple, just TRANSLATE what is actually being said and then read the bible et al and it will all dissolve. It is all a very childish, immature infantile and silly affair, that is a mockery unto itself.

 

Anne R Keye 2014

 

 

 

 

 

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